Akatsuki Bloopers 4

   It was late-almost midnight- when Itachi finally stumbled back into his room, recovering from the worst punishment ever inflicted on him- the Wedgie of Pein (or pain, more like.)
   Stupid Kakuzu. How the heck did that money-loving idiot manage to get his sales receipt? He was sure he’d thrown it away.
   Then again, Kakuzu probably collected all the scraps of paper he saw to get 5 cents from the recycling plant.
   “He finally let you go?” Deidara stuck his head out from Sasori’s room as Itachi walked past.
   “You shut up.” Itachi muttered. Deidara smiled.
   “You deserve it. Whoever does something like that to my hair always pays.”
   “Blonde brat. You’ll get it bad tomorrow.” Itachi threatened, then walked away as dignified as possible, while massaging a swollen backside.

   “We’re not gonna have training today.” Kakuzu announced when Deidara and Hidan entered the kitchen. “Pein’s still in a temper and Tobi’s too lazy.”
   “Retarded jerks.” Konan muttered, stuffing too many waffles into the toaster and causing it to blow up.
   “Well, what about Kisame?” Hidan asked.
   “That idiot wouldn’t lead the group training, not even for a peanut butter sandwich.” Itachi grumbled. “Of all the partners to have…”
   “I have the worst.” Sasori sat down at the table, looking like he hadn’t slept for a week. “I made an antidote for your wooden arm, Deidara.”
   “Really? Crap. I mean, uh, great!” Deidara took the vial Sasori handed him. “Do I inject it or swallow it?”
   “Just rub it on the wood.”
   “Okay.”
   Deidara poured some onto his palm and spread it across his wooden limb.
   “What is this stuff? It burns-argh!”
   Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Itachi all leapt back as Deidara’s arm suddenly flared up in a giant fire.
   “What the hell-?!!” Deidara shouted, holding his blazing arm away from him. “Do you have a death wish?”
   “It looks like you’re the one with a death wish.” Konan muttered as Deidara reached for the bottle beside him.
   “Maple syrup will work as well as water, right?” He poured the bottle’s contents on his arm as Sasori nodded.
   “Yes, but that’s not maple syrup.”
   “It’s oil.”   
   “ARGH!”
   

   Ten minutes later, Deidara was standing in the middle of a gigantic waterfall, sopping wet and very, very grumpy.
   Apparently, Kisame had decided to save the day.
   “You didn’t have to drench me!” Deidara spit out a stream of water.
   “Well, my water jutsus don’t work on a small scale. It’s not my fault you’re so puny.”
   “Small is artistic! Stop laughing!”
   Deidara inspected his arm, which was now sending up whole plumes of smoke. “Was that really an antidote? It didn’t work.’
   Hidan leaned to take a look. “Yeah, it’s still the same.”
   “All my fingers are burned off! I wouldn’t call that the same!”
   “Does it hurt?” Sasori asked.
   “If I slugged you in the face with it, it would. Why’d you set my arm on fire?” Deidara grumbled. “Some antidote.”
   “The antidote doesn’t set things on fire. Maybe I gave you the wrong vial.”
   “You did.” Itachi smirked. “I replaced it.”
   “You fucking bastard-” Deidara started.
   “Now, now.” Itachi smiled. “If you want the real one, you better stop acting like that.”
   A silence fell over the entire group. Blackmail. How interesting. They looked to Deidara to see how he would react.
   “I don’t care. Sasori can make another one.”
   “Actually, I can’t.” Sasori shrugged. “I forgot the recipe. Actually, I lost it.”
   “Some scientist you are.” Deidara scowled. “Fine, Itachi, what do I have to do?”
   “Ah…you’ll see.”

   “Is this really necessary?” Deidara groaned as Tobi jerked a comb through his hair.
   “It is if you want the antidote.” Itachi smiled. “Now put on a happy face. Konoha girls don’t scowl all the time.”
   “Some of them do.” Hidan muttered. “I remember I saw this one ugly pink-haired girl, chasing after a blonde boy…”
   “No one cares about your love life, Hidan.” Kakuzu gave a blue-and-pink bow to Tobi, who fastened it around Deidara’s ponytail.
   “Okay, tie this around your waist.” Itachi gave Deidara a Konoha headband.
   “Do I have to?”
   “Yes.”
   Itachi, Tobi, Hidan, and Kakuzu stepped back to admire their work. Deidara stood in front of them, scowling, dressed in a Konoha kunoichi outfit- purple tank top, waist bandages and headband, purple skirt with a slit on the side, and blue shinobi sandals.
   Makeup had been applied, and Deidara looked stunning in purple eyeshadow and mascara.
   His hair was probably the worst. Tobi had sprayed “Extra-Silky Conditioning Mist” over it, and tied it up with a pretty bow.
   “He reminds me of that one blonde chick.” Hidan remarked. “He’s like, her older sister or something.”
   “Hey, that’s a pretty good fake identity. Okay, Deidara, you are officially Deidara Yamanaka. Your name is girly enough so we don’t have to change it.”
   “What if I meet her?” Deidara asked.
   “Then you’ll say you’re her distant cousin coming to visit.”
   “Are you ready, Deidra?” Itachi asked, grinning.
   “Go to hell. And don’t call me Deidra.” Deidara scowled.

   Sakura, Hinata, and TenTen were sitting on a bench in the park, waiting for Ino to show up.
   “Ino’s late. At this rate, we’ll never make it before it closes.” Sakura groaned. TenTen smiled.
   “We’ve only been waiting for three minutes. There’s still a couple of hours left.”
   “I think I see her.” Hinata pointed to a girl walking into the park. Sakura and TenTen craned their necks to take a look.
   The girl was definitely not Ino, as they soon saw, but as she came closer, the resemblance was striking. Both Ino and the strange girl wore purple, had purple eyeshadow, and blue eyes. Not to mention the blonde hair.
   “You’re not Ino.” TenTen said as the girl walked up to them. “Are you?”
   “Um…no.” The girl had a deep voice, almost like a boy’s. “My name is Deidara Yamanaka, and I’m looking for my cousin.”
   “You’re Ino’s cousin?” Sakura asked, disbelievingly. Deidara nodded miserably.
   “Great! Once Ino appears, you can come with us!”
   “Where?”
   “To the hot springs!”
   Deidara groaned.
   He began to plan an escape. When Ino came, he would introduce himself, and then ask to go visit Ino’s. Then, they could avoid going to the hot springs, and Itachi would fork up the antidote.
   As it turned out, Ino did not appear. Shikamaru showed up to tell them that Team Asuma was leaving on a mission shortly, and that Ino wouldn’t be able to come. Deidara’s last hopes of escape were dashed.
   “Come on, Deidara, let’s go!”
   “Urgh….”

   “This is great.” Itachi chuckled, peering over the rooftop. “Hot springs! Ha!”
   “Are you serious?” Kakuzu popped up next to him. “They’re going to take Deidara to the hot springs?”
   “Yup. This is live entertainment, guys. Enjoy!”

   “Hurry up, Deidara-chan, we’re waiting.” Sakura said impatiently as Deidara sat with his back to the girls.
   “Come to think of it, I kind of have an allergic reaction…” he fumbled, trying to think up a passable excuse.
   “To water? Yeah, right.” TenTen tugged on his ponytail. “Undress already. The springs are going to close in an hour.” She tugged again.
   Deidara froze. She did NOT just pull his hair…

   Itachi, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Tobi had been looking in at the hot springs through a roof window when they suddenly felt the ground start to shake. Some instinct told the guys to clear out of the place.
   They had barely landed when a giant explosion ruptured the side of the hot springs where the women’s changing room was. As the smoke cleared, a burnt and sooty Deidara climbed out of the rubble and sprinted towards them.
   “One hour in Konoha, done. I talked to the girls, done. I wore the stupid clothes, done. NOW HAND OVER THE ANTIDOTE!!!”
   Itachi was too scared to refuse.